Icevantage

The Twilight Mysteries Revealed

Do I decide to kill this miniature project or do I take this bull-like metaphor and utilise it! I say “Yes!” whilst taking control over the horns and kicking the face of procrastination.

Judo-Kick!

Now in your very chairs you’re wondering, whoa whats going on?, this orgasmic pleasurable return of Ivan is too much to handle, I nod my head and reply “Prepare”. Now you’re just in some form of mind-eroded state, Prepare for what? well.. guess what the confusion heightens even more as I do not know whats in store as well.

Secondary Judo-Kick (now targeted to your face!)

Well I have a topic that just blasts the arms right off you. It is the unfortunate return of the most confusing subject of all, Woman. Well what about them you furiously ask seemingly close to vampires (and not those womanzing males pretending to be vampires) I’m talking about the real case of actual deathly vampires. Now you’re beginning to understand the topic altogether, its the crazed misconception of females and their desires for this vampiric (or so we may think) male.

First at foremost, let us dissect this character Edward Cullen by using the only facts I know, his name and he is ALLEGEDLY a vampire.

Edward Cullen, now has anyone in the world know of or has dated an Edward? not that I can think of, its because their kind is extinct due to lack of female attention, now I have used science to track this creator of things. you Twilight heads may jump to conclusion and raise their high-pitched voices to the gods and pounce to the answer of being Stephanie Myer.

How very wrong you are.

The only true victor in this situation is a young or old male named Edward, he has been trying to find a way where a woman would say “Edward, my dream-boat honey cookies and custard tart” instead of “Edward, are you sure that’s a name? I swear Oprah said it was some sort of scientific element”. Firstly Edward was stupid, as Oprah has never mentioned the name Edward, nor does she discuss the periodic chart of elements. Its beyond absurd. Poor Edward just wanted to make a name for himself, and thus with his manipulative ways by shooting bullets of seductive words straight to female and particularly questionable male hearts he has achieved such a goal.

Second on the agenda is the use of vampires. Has Edward gone mad, from the movie posters of the movie Twilight, I see no indication of the whereabouts of lust for not woman, but for blood. Vampires, are known to love blood, hell, blood is pretty gruesome and its a vampires sole diet. Do they eat carrots? probably so, for their impeccable eyesight, but in no way do they feast on cabbages. You know why? because they are vampires and not to mention cabbages aren’t the greatest on any one’s favourite food to eat. Furthermore, vampires are cursed or burdened wit ht the fact that they must consume blood in order to survive. Where is this anywhere on the poster or in Edward Cullen’s name, if by any chance I was a vampire, I would not be called Edward Cullen, I’d have one awesome name like, Bloodbath Bill, or Fangfrenzy Fred. More vampiric and more awesome.

This just in, secret sources have told me that this so called “Vampire” can roam the world in daylight. Number 1 rule of vampires, they cannot roam the world when the sun is about, it originated with bats,

DO BATS ROAM THE SUNNY BANKS OF THE GOLDCOAST.. IN THE SUN? most likely not.

Just another discrepancy in this whole twi-lame phase the girls are having.

To wrap this all up, this Twilight book/movie has captured the vampire name and created something else, which is a person (NOT A VAMPIRE) who just bites people, and lives for ever, hes an immortal, I bet the whole biting thing and blood thing is just for kicks.

Signing off as a slightly annoyed citizen of an apocalyptic world,

- Ivan